Sex within polygamy is an important aspect of marriage; complicated and difficult to understand with its many contradictions. Of course, if you are a plural wife who enjoys your husband having sex with other women, and occasionally forgo your night, this post is not meant for you. If you are a plural wife who enjoys keeping a consistent sex schedule, without spontaneity, this post is not for you. If you don’t mind abstaining from natural affection with your husband when he’s with other wives, or being relegated to the back seat of the car on a family outing, like a child, while your husband sits next to another wife after he just had sex with you, stop right now! This post is not for you.
Mormon polygamists argue that polygamy is not about sex because there are much easier ways to get sex than living polygamy. We concur. Most fundamentalist polygamists don’t marry additional wives to get a variety of sex; they live plural marriage because they believe it is a commandment from God. Likewise, Muslims and other cultures practice polygamy; some even have convenient wives they marry for the night and then divorce, so they can stay within their marriage laws. What polygamists have in common is the desire to follow tradition and beliefs at the expense of women and children. (However, we do not believe God is a misogynist-being who wants females to suffer).
We believe sex in marriage should be the shared act of two people who love each other and wish to share intimate contact. In our opinion, it is the special moment that tells your partner that you love him/her. Sex can be a fulfilling part of a marriage, but only when there is respect, trust, and openness among two people. We simply do not believe a husband can duplicate this intimate experience in polygamy without losing something sacred with his first wife, and without taking something away from his additional wives. Therefore, sex in polygamy is not multiplied, well for the wives that is; for sister-wives, it takes restricting one’s self-love and autonomy in order to survive, and the only one with a consistent smile on his face and a little spring in his step, is the husband.
Polygamy and sex is a sensitive subject, especially for ladies coming from a conservative background. In polygamy, sex is viewed as a private personal relationship, even secret if you will, between each wife and her husband, and seldom if ever talked about among sister-wives. Most polygamous husbands leave their separate personal relationships in the bedroom. Yet, when the silence or unintended noise of sex occurs there is often avoidance, curiosity, disbelief, jealousy, and fear.
Some polygamists use their sexual power as a way to keep wives in check, and from not communicating with each other. A polygamist can manipulate wives for his own personal gain by secretly pitting them against each other, and saying, “Well, Sister Sarah will do this or that sexual favor for me, so if you don’t, perhaps I should go visit her instead.”
A lack of unanswered questions and openness about sex in polygamy can lead to emotional abuse such as wives being labeled faithless, rebellious, jealous, insecure, and ungrateful. Many plural-wives question themselves. Sometimes the only choice plural wives believe they have is prayer, as if God wants to hear about their treacherous sex life, especially when given a brain to use. (Any sexual relationship is treacherous if someone suffers from unresolved jealousy, insecurity, and pain).
In plural marriage, women will disregard the truth, and their inner feelings about their husband’s infidelity with other so-called wives, and continue to follow their husband hoping circumstances will change, instead of realizing they must make the change—and leave.
The purpose of these blog posts, on sex in polygamy, is to open the eyes of our readers so they may see the naked elephant in the living room trying to cover himself behind his wives.
(“Sex and Polygamy” To be continued….)